Wow I can’t believe that I haven’t blogged in well over a year! I guess this is a good way to get it back up and running. Ladies and gentleman I present to you a baby story in 2 parts. Part 1 will be my pregnancy with Audie and Part 2 will be his birth story.
Disclaimer: this one is a bit difficult for me to write and to publicly admit so please know that any negativity on my page will not be tolerated and comments will be deleted if necessary.
First let’s start off by doing a major rewind to 2 years ago when Mikey was born…that’s it I was DONE – four kiddos was my max! After the birth of children 1-3 I got some inkling of a feeling that I could do this child-birth thing again and that I wanted to have more kiddos. That feeling NEVER came after Mikey was born. Well as they say: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”
Fast forward a bit to end of summer 2015. I was getting sick – very sick again. I was in and out of the ER and back and forth to numerous doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me because this time around it was a bit different from my normal GI disease flare up. NO I WASN’T PREGNANT even though docs kept auto assuming that and other people did as well. LOOOOONG story short there is that I ended up being diagnosed with “harmless” Gilbert’s syndrome. So here I am getting used to a new health issue that even though it’s harmless it SUCKS – goodbye booze, goodbye pain meds, goodbye other crap that my liver doesn’t want to process and makes me get sick…then comes another life changing doozey from the big green weenie (aka the Army – sorry not sorry – I know what we signed up for but still sometimes stuff sucks)…Troy came home and said “hey I’m deploying in a couple of weeks” BAM – shock to the system and I feel nauseated…don’t ask me why but for some reason I decided to take a pregnancy test the next morning…oh hey by the way – I’m pregnant too.
So here we are in the Fall of 2015 and have just found out that my husband is going to be deploying for no less than 6 months and that we are pregnant! A bunch of other random crap happened that week and I was starting to feel overwhelmed. Oh and in the background a ton of stuff was going on in the lovely world of having a son with Autism but those are all stories for another day too. A couple of weeks quickly go by – pregnancy is confirmed – Troy leaves for central Africa.
At my first OB appointment I had to take a depression screening and it came back on the high/concerning end. A nurse sat down with me and I started bawling. I didn’t want to admit it but I was stuck in a deep dark hole. I was beyond stressed and ridiculously overwhelmed! She told me that they had a behavioral health provider in the clinic who specifically worked with women during their pregnancy to cope with depression and anxiety. She asked if I would like to see her and I said yes. This is the dark part that’s difficult for me to admit – I needed help – I needed it badly. I felt ashamed that I didn’t want this baby. Sure children are blessings but this one was not in my game plan. I already had four beautiful children, two of each, perfectly patterned…I. Was. Done. In the back of my head I kept thinking about the original baby number 3 – in between Tedy & Ceci we lost a child and it was devastating. I kept thinking well that happened after I had two kids so maybe it’ll happen again. I didn’t like that thought and ultimately I didn’t want that thought to become a reality but the thought was hauntingly there. I write about this now in hopes that it’ll help someone else out. It’s ok to have horrible thoughts but when you do have these thoughts you need to make sure you know that it’s also ok to go and talk to a professional about these things and seek proper care for your situation. For me I ended up seeing the psychologist in maternal behavioral health for my pregnancy. I started out going every couple of weeks and then as I learned ways to cope with the demons I saw her less often. I am glad that I broke down and said yes to going because I may not have made it through if I didn’t admit that I had an issue.
Besides battling depression and anxiety during this pregnancy I had a fairly uneventful pregnancy. All tests came back normal, weight gain was normal, activity level stayed high for me. But I never connected during pregnancy. It was very strange. I knew I was pregnant; I mean come on, the lovely varicose veins couldn’t be avoided haha – but because Troy was deployed during pretty much the entire pregnancy, I never allowed myself to fully slow down and bond with baby. I had many fears: Troy isn’t going to make it home in time (there was a possibility that they could keep him longer than originally planned) and my ultimate fear toward the end was that I wasn’t going to make it to the hospital in time – remember Mikey was born in a whopping 9 minutes at the hospital. Luckily Troy did make it home safely (the fear of him getting injured again was there as well even though I know he was in a “safer” zone) with a couple of weeks to spare before “Cinco’s” arrival. For those of you who don’t know, “Cinco” is what we called this baby during the pregnancy because I didn’t want to reveal his name until after he was born. Oh and if you don’t know Spanish it means – “Five” since he would be our fifth child (sixth technically counting our angel baby).
Quick jump to Tuesday, July 5, 2016: I. don’t. feel. right… so I called Troy who was out running errands because Tedy had ABA therapy that morning. I texted Adriana (Audie’s God Mother) to come over and watch the kiddos. I called my neighbor Heather to come over and watch the kiddos until Adriana arrived. I grabbed my hospital bag and we headed to SAMMC [San Antonio Military Medical Center].
To be continued…