“Why? Why God? Why me? Why my family? Why God? Why?” The past couple of weeks I’ve been asking these questions over and over again! Some times I shout them and scream and wrestle with God and other times I try to keep calm and hear something! Yet I’m wrestling with God so I’ve had a difficult time listening to what He has to say. Today I realized that I am asking the wrong questions. I’ve been through all of the training’s on how to listen and how to ask the proper questions and they always say that “why” is a rude, off-putting question and it doesn’t get you to the root of the issue. Though I cannot physically see Him and sit down for a cup of tea, I shouldn’t be treating Him this way if I really want to have a good conversation.
I came to this realization when I went to Pandora Radio and started listening to the Matt Maher station. God knows that I have a listening problem but that I love music and tend to start to get the hint when His message is delivered through a song. The first song was Alive Again by Matt Maher:
“I woke up in darkness – surrounded by silence – oh where, where have I gone?”
Yes, this is what I needed, I love this song!
“I woke to reality – losing it’s grip on me – oh where, where have I gone?”
Reality has been punching me in the face lately!
“Cause I can see the light before I see the sunrise. You called and You shouted – Broke through my deafness – Now I’m breathing in and breathing out – I’m alive again. You shattered my darkness – Washed away my blindness – Now I’m breathing in and breathing out – I’m alive again.”
Aawww…look at Tedy he’s so cute dancing.
“Late have I loved you – You waited for me – I searched for You – What took me so long? I was looking outside – As if love would ever want to hide – I’m finding I was wrong. Cause I can feel the wind before it hits my skin…”
Ok God, you’ve got my attention now. I see that I’ve been asking rude questions instead of having a proper conversation with you.
The next song that played was Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns. The lyrics of this song really spoke to me and fit well with my current situation. I began to let go and realize that yes, my tears are still flowing and yes I can barely hear you whisper through this storm…then the lyrics:
“I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.”
It’s so easy for us to raise our hands in praise to God when He gives us something. When the sun is shining and everything is well in our lives it’s so easy to say “THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS DAY!” Yet when it’s pouring rain and stormy not just outside but in our inner-soul, do we ever say, “Thank You Lord for this day!”? I know I usually don’t! I usually start cursing God and get frustrated with life and question if He’s really there. That’s when all of the “why” stuff comes out.
“Though my heart is torn – I will praise you in this storm.”
My heart is so torn! Over and over again you test me – what’s up with that? I still do not understand the purpose for taking a life from me. Hopefully one day I will fully see the purpose of what happened to us. I’m hurting, and I know Troy is hurting too. It’s so tough to praise you in this storm but I will try my best.
Another Matt Maher song came on, Lay it Down:
“Everything I am – Everything I long to be – I lay it down at Your feet.”
Like I said God, I don’t understand the purpose of what happened a couple of weeks ago. There are still somethings in my past that I still don’t understand. You’ve taken away so much from me, from my family…yet you have given us so much as well. I guess I really need to start focusing on the gifts you have given us a bit more and be thankful for them instead of dwelling on what is gone. I will never forget what happened that fateful night; it has hurt me more than anything has ever hurt me before. Yet I feel like I’ve said that before whenever something bad has happened, and for some reason I’m still here, so I imagine it won’t be the last time either. Yet I guess with each thing you give or take away from us there is a purpose. Thank you for the bright sunny day outside even though there’s still a storm brewing inside me – Lord, THANK YOU FOR THIS DAY!
God continued to bless me with songs that I needed to hear to help heal my wounds. The lesson I’ve learned is to always say: “THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS DAY!” Some days this may be easier than others but, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift that’s why it’s call present!”